


By Any Other Name

by AnonEhouse



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Incredible Hulk (2008)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Humor, Trolling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-08
Updated: 2013-09-08
Packaged: 2017-12-25 23:32:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/958904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Hulk' doesn't sound like a nice name, does it? If an 800 pound gorilla can do what it likes, then Hulk can certainly choose his own name.</p>
<p>(This blithely disregards the ending of The Avengers, and all of Iron Man 3. I've used the Avengers movie-verse setting, but indulged in comic book freedom to keep all of them in NYC, fighting EVIL and having fun.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	By Any Other Name

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

"Hulk, smash!" Captain America pointed at the giant poison-backed, tentacled, spiky, crud-brown, toad wedged in the subway entrance, idly kicking its back flippers as it tried to force its way in after all the delicious screaming people that were out of reach of its tongue. After a second Cap jabbed his finger in the direction of the toad again. "HULK, smash!" He looked up in enquiry at his huge green teammate.

"NO." Hulk folded his arms over his chest and stuck his nose in the air. 

Iron Man looked up from bashing another toad-thing. "No smash? I thought smash was your thing, big guy."

"Smash good. Not HULK. Hulk not name! HULK bad word." The 'not Hulk's' big green chin nodded sharply. "Thor has good name! THOR has girlfriend. THOR has day off with girlfriend! I want good name!"

Clint rolled his eyes even as he filled a toad with explosive arrows and ducked the flying sludge. "How about John? John's good! John Wayne, you know?"

"Johnny on the spot!" Captain America said after bouncing his shield off three toads and catching the now-slimy thing with a grimace. 

"Johnny Be Good!" Iron Man said, getting into the act.

"John Barrowman," Natasha sang while setting a toad on fire. No one asked how she'd done that.

"JOHN STUPID NAME. CALL ME LORETTA!"

Captain America blinked. None of the Avengers stopped avenging, but there was a wordless silence (if you don't count screams, smashing noises and the crackling flames of broiled toad). Cap shrugged and pointed at the toad with a taste for Subway, again. "LORETTA, SMASH!"

***

Nick Fury strode through the corridors of the helicarrier, fuming mildly. If the ASPCA got on his back once more for inhumane treatment of creatures that were attempting to eat citizens, he was gonna fill their holding pens with the next freakin' monstrosities to come down the pike. Now he had to go talk to Stark about getting a data read on how fast the toads had died, and how god damn tiny their brains were and whether or not there was a kinder, gentler way to save NYC. He suspected several members of the WSC had toad fetishes, too. He didn't need this crap.

He paused just outside the showers set up for the Avenger's post-battle decontamination. It wasn't as if he had any aversion to seeing pretty people in the buff, and he really, really didn't care what his people did sexually, provided they didn't let anyone blackmail them, honeypot them, give them inconvenient diseases or cause them to go on maternity leave when he was short-handed. But damn it, while he knew Stark was incorrigible, he'd have thought the others would have had more sense than to bring a civilian on board without clearance! He wrestled his temper under control, and then burst through the doors.

The Avengers turned to look at him. As usual they were gathered around the huge central shower, helping Hulk to scrub down. It relaxed him and made the transition back to Banner easier, which was a good thing, in Fury's book. "Where is she?" 

"Who, sir?" Captain Rogers said, washcloth 'accidentally' covering his groin. He wasn't shy with his team any longer, but Fury never got a peep show from him. Not that he was looking for one.

"The civilian!"

"Well, technically..." Tony Stark scratched at his chest around the arc reactor, "I'm just a consultant..."

Clint was leaning against Hulk's leg, with a scrub brush dangling from one hand. "You could have joined if you knew your social security number."

"Thor doesn't have one!" Tony protested.

Nick growled, "The woman!"

Natasha raised an eyebrow and put her shoulders back at the same time she stepped on Stark's foot.

"Ow," Stark said, "What was that for? I didn't say anything."

"You were thinking."

"If you're going to abuse me every time I think, I'll be black and blue all over." Tony grinned.

Fury wasn't put off by the distraction. "WHERE IS LORETTA!"

Captain America cleared his throat and pointed at Hulk. "Sir, this is Loretta. He didn't like being called Hulk."

Hulk... Loretta... grinned at Fury, showing all his big, square, yellowish teeth at once. "LORETTA GOOD NAME."

Fury massaged the bridge of his nose. "Of course it is, Loretta. I'll have Agent Coulson amend the records." He turned and strode out of the shower room.

Loretta's grin widened. "PUNY SPY." He picked up a Hulk... Loretta-sized bar of soap and began scrubbing his chest. "YOU AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT HOUN' DOG." He paused. "NEXT TIME, ELVIS!" Loretta did a hip-gyration and thrust that knocked Clint to the floor, laughing.

Tony gazed up at Loretta in admiration and patted him on the leg. "And I thought _Bruce_ was a troll."

**Author's Note:**

> After I wrote this, I did a quick google on possible meanings of the name 'Loretta'. Like many names it has several meanings, depending on the origin language. It could mean 'pure', 'laurel tree or sweet bay tree- symbolic of honor and victory', 'small sage one', or possibly even the town of Loreto where the holy house of the Virgin Mary was said to have been moved in the 13th century. 
> 
> Definitely a nicer name than 'Hulk'. :^)


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